On Confronting Trauma

I'm a fickle person. Very intricate and complex. I can't understand myself most days. So unlike God yet striving to be like Him and His Son. And on the good days I see pieces of Him littered in my DNA.
I apologize for the very kindergarten sounding poem but these are my genuine feelings. Allow me to be selfish for just a second. If you have sat down with me and heard my story-I mean my full story from the moment I was born to right now. You would know that trauma is almost engraved into my being. So many "traumatic" events have shaped who I am today. Before Christ you would have been convinced that I had PTSD-cause I carried all the symptoms of it.

Anyway because of how I grew up. I am who I am today. I am soft and sensitive an empath and defensive and an internalizer of all things and so much more. But on the outside I am argumentative I live for debates and arguing the causes I believe in. To my closest friends I'm insanely blunt a little too much. I am always struggling to find a balance of truth and love. How do I speak truth in love? I hate confrontation and turmoil yet I'm a mama bear at heart. I won't fight anybody but my words can slice someone to the very core. I carry so many secrets most are not my own but of others. In middle school some people called me "the therapist" and one of my good friends once asked me "if you're everyone's therapist who's yours?" It stunned me into silence.

Remember how I said I'm an internalizer of all things yeah- if you hurt me I will still smile at you. I have never been able to conjure up enough bravery within myself to say "you hurt me" or "im angry at you" I keep it in till it bubbles and bursts at the altar Lately I have had this memory spinning in my mind. I've heard God clearly tell me to tell someone about it and I get up to do it but lose the courage immediately it's not something I can say over the phone I need face to face conversation. Fun fact I love face to face conversation. One day I want to talk all night with someone. A stranger maybe. "Hello. My name is Believe. I am a poet or whatever. A lover of Jesus and all things art. Nice to meet you."