On Growth and Significance.
“Can we not talk about how hairy my arm is?”
This Sunday- Phoebe, a wonderful friend of mine, got me this little bracelet with my name on it and my heart swelled. She slipped it on my wrist not really thinking much of it. I teared up of course. my heart swelled in the moment and I was super grateful.
A few things to note for context: My love languages are gift receiving and psychical affection. I am a super emotional person. So me tearing up or crying is nothing new.
here is what she didn’t know
After church, I looked at the bracelet and it was right above one of the last s.h. scars I still have from years ago. I started bawling my eyes out. because to me it felt like a promise fulfilled. I remember days of darkness and death. I remember when I could feel death knocking on my door and I didn’t care. In fact, I stood up to open it and welcome it in because I felt like I was insignificant in the scheme of things. that people. school. the world would just be better off without. I remember a craving for the light. a craving to feel important to feel significant to feel like I belong. and day in and day out I was left empty
I'm also reminded of the moment Jesus came and how everything changed. How He changed everything. How all it took was one encounter that set my life on the course. And set my heart on a pursuit for more of Him. How He found me in my darkness and it was unexpected. It was simple-It as beautiful. I am in awe and grateful for the amazing testimonies that surrounded me. They encourage me and remind me of how the God I serve is special, intentional, powerful, and thoughtful. my testimony although complex and layered is-not super elaborate and fancy. I think it’s quite simplistic. Jesus came-and everything changed.
I walked in this Sunday feeling very small and insignificant in the workings of our very incredible and dynamic youth group but also just in the body of Christ and to Jesus. I am my worst critic. the things I say to myself I would never even think of speaking them to my worst enemy 😖.
I remember just inwardly voicing to myself
"I feel so un-belonging. I'm so insignificant in all this. do You even see me?"
and when phoebe handed me the bracelet I just felt as though God was telling me He saw me. that I am significant in this thing we call life. and I have a purpose here.
so I want to repeat that to you all.
you belong. you have a purpose. you are needed. there is a special part you play in life.
Also as cliche, as this may sound. Honestly, at this point, I feel like I am known for my cliches. “Tomorrow will be a better day.” When I say “tomorrow I mean it metaphorically. One of the poems I wrote says “ Scrub him out of today until none of him remains. this may take many todays” or something like that lol. I mean keep pushing. day after day and one day you’ll look back and be grateful that you did. But also in pushing make sure you surround yourself with people who will lift you, who will carry you when you’ve fallen, and reach out! I can’t stress this enough guys please reach out. Talk to people. Take the risk and be vulnerable but also choose carefully who you are vulnerable with.
I leave you with the words of one of my favorite creatives, Jasmine.
"You carry a unique facet of God
and if you don't live and speak up.
that facet may never be seen in the earth again."
s.h. stands for self-harm.