On Vulnerability and the Effects of Online Schooling
Hello!
Buckle up! This is gonna be a long one. It is currently 2:24 am and I have just finished my assignment for the night. I am actually super happy because I finished it way earlier than I anticipated. Welcome to the life of N.T.I. Just a disclaimer: This is going to get super vulnerable and ugly real quick. So, if that makes you uncomfortable. The back button is on the upper left corner of your screen.
Ah-my braves ones! The past few weeks have been bad-like really really bad. Like seriously considering therapy bad. I have never felt so stressed and overwhelmed in my entire life. Pressures and troubles from home and school and friends and situations have piled on to me. Just a little look into what going on:
All of my siblings and I started school: One started fifth grade and the other two started kindergarten.
I attend a school that is extremely rigorous and demanding: Homework typically lasts about 4-7 hours after school
So I have been trying to adjust to finishing my assignments on time, making sure I am in class, making sure my siblings are in class and attentive, and that they complete assignments after, coupled along with trying to help around the house as much as I can. Both of my parents work- one at home and the other at building outside of our house. So there is a LOT going on. And with rising stress-comes rising tempers and tensions.
Everyone expresses anger differently: my parents are more outspoken while I tend to go for the silent treatment and oversensitivity (a.k.a being super emotional and crying.) Lately, it has felt like an extension of patience and grace has been one-sided which has been really frustrating and hurtful for me; because I understand that everything is crazy, unconventional, and not ideal right now. But, I would appreciate the same amount of grace and patience that I am extending to my family and my friends, etc. Which kind of led me to this conclusion that is going to get me in lots of trouble: Parents no matter how much they profess to it will never fully understand. I understand the “growing” experience can be similar however, let’s consider the fact that we are living in completely different times with different circumstances and different things that play into making our experiences uniquely our own and uniquely different although much of it may be shared and similar. Parents not fully understanding us is okay; taking the effort to learn or to better understand instead of assuming is encouraged and means a lot.
Alright moving on, yucky time. My top three love languages are: Physical Touch, Gift Giving/Receiving, and Words of Affirmation. In a world of social distancing and online everything, my first and greatest love language is disqualified. In a financial situation of paycheck to paycheck, the second one is possible on birthdays and Christmas. And in a world of immigrant parents, the third and last one is possible when major accomplishments are achieved: I’m talking book publishing, contest-winning, becoming a doctor/lawyer/engineer-ing, accomplishments. Please don’t get me wrong; I know that people love me… but, it’s just-for the lack of better terms- difficult. Because of all of the above, I have felt miserable. When I am on the verge of tears, I am constantly having to tell myself;
“I will be okay.”
“I will survive”
“I can get over it.”
” I’m a big girl- I can suck it up.”
“ I will be fine.”
“ Others have it much worse than me.“
And y’all that’s not okay. So here’s the truth: I am not okay right now. I am struggling, stressed, sad, and overwhelmed. I have barely eaten and I have barely slept because I don’t feel like it. For those of you who have asked if I am okay: I am so sorry for lying to you. It is such an automatic and habitual response for me but I definitely need to work on changing it. I honestly don’t know how to genuinely express my feelings in person and without hiding behind a pen and paper or a computer screen. Vulnerability is really unappealing when all the barriers are removed and you realize that bareness means complete nakedness and truth. Here is my truth: over the past few weeks I have battled with depressive thoughts (I used to struggle with depression…a story for another time.) anxious thoughts, imposter syndrome, duck syndrome, and stress. I have felt hurt, left out, neglected, misunderstood, angry, and unwanted and unloved. And, it has been so overwhelming. This truth has been so hard to get on paper and it will be way harder to articulate. But I want to do better. Some lies I want to unlearn
-My pain is not valid
-My feelings are not important because others are going through worse situations
-I don’t have time to process and fully express with my emotions
There is so much more but, these are the main ones. Alright now that I have ranted for almost an hour. (3:11am) What I have I learned and what is the challenge I have been presented with?
I have learned
To be less critical of others because of the critical attitude I have received and how it has hurt me
To always do good and extend grace
To be careful with what I say (so many words have been spoken that have wounded me)
To be loving and patient
To listen more and talk less
To allow others to express themselves before opening my mouth
That without Him I can’t move or breathe or have my being a.k.a. function properly
Another honesty session: I haven’t talked to Jesus in a minute. 99.9% because I have been so upset and frustrated with all that has been going on. You remember what I said earlier about how I deal with anger? By giving people the silent treatment and being super emotional? Yes, that’s basically what I have been doing. I either don’t talk and literally just stare. Lol, yall don’t laugh. or I go to express my feelings and I get so angry and frustrated that no words come out and instead I cry. Or I get a few words in and get too angry and head to bed. Chile whew- I am a different breed. So anyways I was folding clothes- which put me way behind on my assignment but we’re not gonna talk about that today- and I felt like God was speaking. I just love how He talks when I am doing the most mundane things. Yall should hear how I get my book titles…;) I felt Him saying
“You're empty and dry because you haven’t been drinking from the river. You have been blocked and "not “flowing” because you haven’t drunk from the well. I want to call you to deep levels of the flow. It was a trickle last time but, I want to teach you something new. If you are always drinking from the river you will never run dry. If you are always drinking from the well you will always flow. I want to take it from a trickle and flow to a gushing mighty wave. There are deeper levels. Your frustrations have built up a wall between us. Do you not remember I am not fearful of your emotions. Have you not heard My words? Do you not engrave them in your heart? Are they meaningless to you? Have I not been faithful? Have I ever failed you? Test Me and try Me: 30 days. 1 hour with me every day. Just conversation and communion with Me. Taste and See. Try Me and find Me worthy. find Me faithful. Watch that I not change things in 30 days.”
And so I embark on this journey today.
September 22, 2020 3:34am.
Will you join me?
It is now: 3:48. I have a full day of classes today; starting at 9am. Bye yall :)